“To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms but the devil slapped on the genitals.” -Don Schrader

HARVARD STUDY REVEALS CONSERVATIVES' VIEWS TOWARD GENITALS

A new study shows that those who consider themselves conservative don’t recognize the existence of genitalia.

A study at Harvard found that the part of the brain that recognizes human anatomy shows no activity when shown pictures of genitalia.

The apudendula is the part of the brain scientists have found distinguishes between different animals and between male and females of the species. Scientists assume this ability to differentiate species evolved to aid procreation. Previous studies have demonstrated a lack of activity in the apudendula of people who engage in interspecies copulation.

In this latest study, the apudendulae in people who identified themselves as conservative or Republican showed little or no activity when shown pictures of penises and vaginas.

“They recognized other human body parts, such as arms and legs,” said Harvard researcher Dr. Thomas Lowe, “but when we displayed a penis or vagina, it was like the lights went out in their apudendulae.”

Lowe remains unsure of exactly why it is only conservatives who are unable to recognize genitalia.

“All of the other groups in the study reacted to seeing sex organs,” Lowe said. “In fact, when those who called themselves liberal saw the images activity increased.”

As part of the study, participants were shown various representations of the human body, including pictures of actual people, nude artworks, and even toys.

“In the conservative group, we saw the most apudendumic activity when we showed pictures of naked Barbie and Ken dolls,” said Lowe.

Preliminary results of the study seem to indicate that conservatives view the areas where most people would see genitalia as “flat, plastic-like regions.”

“It is astounding that conservatives continue to procreate,” said one researcher. “This would seem to explain why they call it ‘the miracle of life.’”

Lowe said that the level of denial toward sexual organs and sexuality amongst conservatives that would lead to such a deep repression of evolutionary and instinctual brain activity is a possible explanation to their opposition toward abortion rights and comprehensive sex-education.

“If they don’t even recognize what’s down there, how are they supposed to understand the importance and complexity of issues like abortion?” said Lowe.

Though conservatives did not recognize images of human genitalia, like almost every other participant, their brains showed similar activity when researchers displayed a pictures of Fox News pundits like Glenn Beck or Bill O’Reilly.