"Cash for Caulkers" will find at least one point of agreement

Obama to pitch cash for caulkers in Georgia | Reuters

You really have to give the President credit for a move like this. Even with skyrocketing debts, increasingly-nervous foreign investors, a declining approval rating, and a movement firmly set against him and most (if not all) government services, Obama is going to boldly announce another one of his "socialist" programs - this time $6b to provide incentives for improving energy efficiency in their homes.

Obama has been compared to Franklin Roosevelt, Lyndon Johnson, and John F. Kennedy at different times, but none of these are very accurate comparisons. F.D.R. couldn't make a jump shot; Lyndon Johnson may have had a crushing handshake, but at least he could decide between a handshake and a bow; and though Chicago is the common denominator between Kennedy and Obama, our current president hasn't fucked Marilyn Monroe...yet.

No, the current level of swagger Obama is exhbiting in the face of such criticism can only be compared to George W. Bush. Despite all the uproar about almost everything Obama has said or done, he has once again donned the presidential blinders. Before the years 2001-2009, those blinders had remained on their hook in the Oval Office since the 1920s, when it was the popular style for everyone in Washington to wear the blinders and completely ignore anything happening anywhere, unless alcohol was involved.

I'm not saying what Obama is doing is a bad thing. It may sound hypocritical to say Bush was an overconfident idiot when he rode roughshod over political sensibility while at the same time saying Obama is doing what is necessary to help the country, but let's look at my three-pronged test for political stubbornness:

Am I using questionable information or lying?
Is the world going to hate us?
Is there a good chance thousands of people could die?

Bush failed all three of those tests. All economic predictors are dubious, so that doesn't apply to a bill like this. I would hope most of the industrialized world would congratulate us for joining them in the modern era, of equal rights and attempts to pay people living wages. Finally, there is very little chance anyone will die as a direct result of enacting Obama's social and economic legislature, except maybe Glenn Beck, but let's be honest: if he cries so much that he dies of dehydration, he brought it upon himself.

This bill is what Obama promised so many hopeful people on the campaign trail. Right now, Obama needs successful legislation. If he has to do it without Republican support, that's too bad for them, because as programs like Social Security and Medicare and Medicaid have shown, opponents of positive social programs have landed on the wrong side of history.

Washington may not be able to agree on much, but at least the pet name of the bill ("Cash for Caulkers") is something no one can complain about. I have a feeling that if the bill had been dubbed "Cash for Caulk," no matter what the legislation did, too many people would find that aurally unsavory.

“To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms but the devil slapped on the genitals.” -Don Schrader

HARVARD STUDY REVEALS CONSERVATIVES' VIEWS TOWARD GENITALS

A new study shows that those who consider themselves conservative don’t recognize the existence of genitalia.

A study at Harvard found that the part of the brain that recognizes human anatomy shows no activity when shown pictures of genitalia.

The apudendula is the part of the brain scientists have found distinguishes between different animals and between male and females of the species. Scientists assume this ability to differentiate species evolved to aid procreation. Previous studies have demonstrated a lack of activity in the apudendula of people who engage in interspecies copulation.

In this latest study, the apudendulae in people who identified themselves as conservative or Republican showed little or no activity when shown pictures of penises and vaginas.

“They recognized other human body parts, such as arms and legs,” said Harvard researcher Dr. Thomas Lowe, “but when we displayed a penis or vagina, it was like the lights went out in their apudendulae.”

Lowe remains unsure of exactly why it is only conservatives who are unable to recognize genitalia.

“All of the other groups in the study reacted to seeing sex organs,” Lowe said. “In fact, when those who called themselves liberal saw the images activity increased.”

As part of the study, participants were shown various representations of the human body, including pictures of actual people, nude artworks, and even toys.

“In the conservative group, we saw the most apudendumic activity when we showed pictures of naked Barbie and Ken dolls,” said Lowe.

Preliminary results of the study seem to indicate that conservatives view the areas where most people would see genitalia as “flat, plastic-like regions.”

“It is astounding that conservatives continue to procreate,” said one researcher. “This would seem to explain why they call it ‘the miracle of life.’”

Lowe said that the level of denial toward sexual organs and sexuality amongst conservatives that would lead to such a deep repression of evolutionary and instinctual brain activity is a possible explanation to their opposition toward abortion rights and comprehensive sex-education.

“If they don’t even recognize what’s down there, how are they supposed to understand the importance and complexity of issues like abortion?” said Lowe.

Though conservatives did not recognize images of human genitalia, like almost every other participant, their brains showed similar activity when researchers displayed a pictures of Fox News pundits like Glenn Beck or Bill O’Reilly.