"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children." -Clarence Darrow

After almost three weeks with a group of twenty-one sixth grade students, I’ve compiled a short list of initial observations and assertions. My goals over the course of this coming spring include gaining their trust and joining their society, like Jane Goodall with the apes.

1. Middle-school students are to caterpillars as adults are to butterflies. While as adults, we still retain many of our memories from our earlier years, we lose much of the power of communication with the younglings of our species. After emerging from the dark, cramped, self-conscious cocoon of adolescence, many adults find their voices to be one or more octaves deeper than before. The lower range and timbre of a mature human’s voice is unable to be heard by pre-cocoon humans. Also, like caterpillars, eleven-year-olds have fuzzy hair sprouting all over their entire body.

2. Middle-school students use a rudimentary form of English. Despite the best efforts of teachers, parents, and PBS, sixth-grade students use a more primitive form of the English language. This dialect reflects the language of “never-bloomers,” or the many pop culture icons of the MTV, E! networks, who never spin their cocoons and mature like a majority of the human species. Improper verb conjugations, omission of the “to be” verb altogether, and the phrases “that’s gay” and “no homo” are common in “never-bloomer” vernacular.

3. Sixth-grade boys are the most unintentionally homoerotic caterpillars, with the exception of the actual woolly bear caterpillar. Because of the cruel nature of children, it is important that they find a group of friends to help support them. Eleven- and twelve-year-old boys often express their friendship through inappropriately touching each other while shouting “stop being so gay!” Woolly bear caterpillars are still more homoerotic, however, due to the fact that the males will spin a cocoon together, and emerge months later as butterflies covered in each others' semen. Sixth-grade boys’ interactions rarely involve the ejaculate of any animal.

Soon I will have more in-depth observations. I hope this current post has been enlightening on the subject of sixth-grade students in New York City, as well as that of gay caterpillars.

No homo.