"Cash for Caulkers" will find at least one point of agreement

Obama to pitch cash for caulkers in Georgia | Reuters

You really have to give the President credit for a move like this. Even with skyrocketing debts, increasingly-nervous foreign investors, a declining approval rating, and a movement firmly set against him and most (if not all) government services, Obama is going to boldly announce another one of his "socialist" programs - this time $6b to provide incentives for improving energy efficiency in their homes.

Obama has been compared to Franklin Roosevelt, Lyndon Johnson, and John F. Kennedy at different times, but none of these are very accurate comparisons. F.D.R. couldn't make a jump shot; Lyndon Johnson may have had a crushing handshake, but at least he could decide between a handshake and a bow; and though Chicago is the common denominator between Kennedy and Obama, our current president hasn't fucked Marilyn Monroe...yet.

No, the current level of swagger Obama is exhbiting in the face of such criticism can only be compared to George W. Bush. Despite all the uproar about almost everything Obama has said or done, he has once again donned the presidential blinders. Before the years 2001-2009, those blinders had remained on their hook in the Oval Office since the 1920s, when it was the popular style for everyone in Washington to wear the blinders and completely ignore anything happening anywhere, unless alcohol was involved.

I'm not saying what Obama is doing is a bad thing. It may sound hypocritical to say Bush was an overconfident idiot when he rode roughshod over political sensibility while at the same time saying Obama is doing what is necessary to help the country, but let's look at my three-pronged test for political stubbornness:

Am I using questionable information or lying?
Is the world going to hate us?
Is there a good chance thousands of people could die?

Bush failed all three of those tests. All economic predictors are dubious, so that doesn't apply to a bill like this. I would hope most of the industrialized world would congratulate us for joining them in the modern era, of equal rights and attempts to pay people living wages. Finally, there is very little chance anyone will die as a direct result of enacting Obama's social and economic legislature, except maybe Glenn Beck, but let's be honest: if he cries so much that he dies of dehydration, he brought it upon himself.

This bill is what Obama promised so many hopeful people on the campaign trail. Right now, Obama needs successful legislation. If he has to do it without Republican support, that's too bad for them, because as programs like Social Security and Medicare and Medicaid have shown, opponents of positive social programs have landed on the wrong side of history.

Washington may not be able to agree on much, but at least the pet name of the bill ("Cash for Caulkers") is something no one can complain about. I have a feeling that if the bill had been dubbed "Cash for Caulk," no matter what the legislation did, too many people would find that aurally unsavory.

“To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms but the devil slapped on the genitals.” -Don Schrader

HARVARD STUDY REVEALS CONSERVATIVES' VIEWS TOWARD GENITALS

A new study shows that those who consider themselves conservative don’t recognize the existence of genitalia.

A study at Harvard found that the part of the brain that recognizes human anatomy shows no activity when shown pictures of genitalia.

The apudendula is the part of the brain scientists have found distinguishes between different animals and between male and females of the species. Scientists assume this ability to differentiate species evolved to aid procreation. Previous studies have demonstrated a lack of activity in the apudendula of people who engage in interspecies copulation.

In this latest study, the apudendulae in people who identified themselves as conservative or Republican showed little or no activity when shown pictures of penises and vaginas.

“They recognized other human body parts, such as arms and legs,” said Harvard researcher Dr. Thomas Lowe, “but when we displayed a penis or vagina, it was like the lights went out in their apudendulae.”

Lowe remains unsure of exactly why it is only conservatives who are unable to recognize genitalia.

“All of the other groups in the study reacted to seeing sex organs,” Lowe said. “In fact, when those who called themselves liberal saw the images activity increased.”

As part of the study, participants were shown various representations of the human body, including pictures of actual people, nude artworks, and even toys.

“In the conservative group, we saw the most apudendumic activity when we showed pictures of naked Barbie and Ken dolls,” said Lowe.

Preliminary results of the study seem to indicate that conservatives view the areas where most people would see genitalia as “flat, plastic-like regions.”

“It is astounding that conservatives continue to procreate,” said one researcher. “This would seem to explain why they call it ‘the miracle of life.’”

Lowe said that the level of denial toward sexual organs and sexuality amongst conservatives that would lead to such a deep repression of evolutionary and instinctual brain activity is a possible explanation to their opposition toward abortion rights and comprehensive sex-education.

“If they don’t even recognize what’s down there, how are they supposed to understand the importance and complexity of issues like abortion?” said Lowe.

Though conservatives did not recognize images of human genitalia, like almost every other participant, their brains showed similar activity when researchers displayed a pictures of Fox News pundits like Glenn Beck or Bill O’Reilly.

"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children." -Clarence Darrow

After almost three weeks with a group of twenty-one sixth grade students, I’ve compiled a short list of initial observations and assertions. My goals over the course of this coming spring include gaining their trust and joining their society, like Jane Goodall with the apes.

1. Middle-school students are to caterpillars as adults are to butterflies. While as adults, we still retain many of our memories from our earlier years, we lose much of the power of communication with the younglings of our species. After emerging from the dark, cramped, self-conscious cocoon of adolescence, many adults find their voices to be one or more octaves deeper than before. The lower range and timbre of a mature human’s voice is unable to be heard by pre-cocoon humans. Also, like caterpillars, eleven-year-olds have fuzzy hair sprouting all over their entire body.

2. Middle-school students use a rudimentary form of English. Despite the best efforts of teachers, parents, and PBS, sixth-grade students use a more primitive form of the English language. This dialect reflects the language of “never-bloomers,” or the many pop culture icons of the MTV, E! networks, who never spin their cocoons and mature like a majority of the human species. Improper verb conjugations, omission of the “to be” verb altogether, and the phrases “that’s gay” and “no homo” are common in “never-bloomer” vernacular.

3. Sixth-grade boys are the most unintentionally homoerotic caterpillars, with the exception of the actual woolly bear caterpillar. Because of the cruel nature of children, it is important that they find a group of friends to help support them. Eleven- and twelve-year-old boys often express their friendship through inappropriately touching each other while shouting “stop being so gay!” Woolly bear caterpillars are still more homoerotic, however, due to the fact that the males will spin a cocoon together, and emerge months later as butterflies covered in each others' semen. Sixth-grade boys’ interactions rarely involve the ejaculate of any animal.

Soon I will have more in-depth observations. I hope this current post has been enlightening on the subject of sixth-grade students in New York City, as well as that of gay caterpillars.

No homo.

"The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn." -Gloria Steinem

Once again, I have decided to tweak my format. I’ll continue to post some funny fake news stories up when I get the time and inspiration, but I think I’m going to start updating a little more often just with some of my thoughts.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays this semester, I will be working in a middle school with a sixth-grade class. I hope the students’ antics will provide me with some writing material. Don’t worry though - I won’t be that cheesy blogger who finds uplifting messages from heart-rending tales.

However, I may end up finding what I would consider truths about the world around me. My truths may not reconcile with my readers’ truths; if they don’t, I encourage my readers to share their thoughts openly. Tell me who you are, then tell me what you think.

So for my first foray into this genre of writing, I am going to post a short essay I wrote in December 2008. I was working at the same school then as I am now. With the knowledge that names have been changed to protect the students, teachers, and the school, I invite you to enjoy the following:

Reflections on a Government Cover-up

Today, I participated in a government cover-up. It wasn’t anything major; just at the middle school where I work. I was walking to the school this morning. It was just about 8:40 when I got to the school, which was way too early, so I passed the front doors and decided to walk around the block, getting just a few more minutes of quality time with my This American Life podcast. Luckily, for a morning in mid-December, the weather was as mild as a fall day. There was little to no breeze, and I had actually rolled up the sleeves of my sweatshirt.

As I made my last left and prepared to walk back to the school, somewhat disappointed that I was going to have to abandon this beautiful weather for a classroom, at approximately ten minutes until nine, I saw the principal crossing the street. I thought it was fairly odd--then I saw the stream of students following behind him. He waved to me, and said, “Come with us.” A few students I work with waved to me as they passed. I asked them what was happening; apparently it was a fire drill. I thought it was a little early for a drill, but I’d been at school during one of their drills before, so I followed the routine--keep them in two (mostly) single-file lines, make sure they aren’t shouting, screaming, or hurting one another, and then, wait. We waited. And waited. It seemed like it was taking a long time for a simple fire drill, and the principal seemed like he was on his cell phone a lot more than usual, but I’m not typically an observant person, so who knows what I’ve missed in other drills.

I exchanged pleasantries with a couple of the teachers, made sure the students were still in line, when I started talking with the first teacher I work with during the day. “What a start to the day,” I joked to her. “Yeah,” she sarcastically chuckled back, “They think it was probably one of the students. The call was to Ms. Smith’s phone, and I think that line can only be reached from inside the school.” The reality of the situation, of the “drill,” hit me at this point. I was pretty sure I knew what she meant, but I casually inquired, “Wait--so this isn’t a drill?” She looked at me incredulously for a second, said, “They think it is,” then added under her breath, “Someone called in a bomb threat this morning.” I gave a nod of surprised understanding, and she playfully tapped my arm, “There ya go,” she chuckled, and walked off.

I stood there for a second to make sense of it. I wasn’t too worried about the threat itself, but I was wondering now what my role would be as an employee of the school. Obviously since the students didn’t know yet, I shouldn’t tell them, which didn’t seem like such a big deal at the time; they hadn’t gotten curious yet. But after another ten minutes or so of waiting, they started to ask questions. “Did Mr. Morris tell you what’s going on?” “Why are there cops?” “Is the building burning down?” I wasn’t sure how to answer these questions, at least not honestly. I knew what I was supposed to say. “No, Mr. Morris did not tell me what is happening.” This was true, of course, Mr. Morris did not update me on the situation. “The cops are here to help with the drill.” Okay, so more of a lie than before, but still truthful in a way--the cops were here to help. “The building is not burning down.” The most truthful statement yet, but it still didn’t explain the fact that someone had called saying that something much worse than a fire could be (albeit unlikely) in the building currently.

It was during this line of questioning that I realized what I am. I am the fucking Man. I am nothing more than a puppet for an institution that maintains order and control through deception, depriving information, and even outright lies. I, the loudmouthed advocate for government accountability and transparency, sat there parroting what I was told to say by these people, all for the sake of preventing an assumed chaos.

When the “drill” finally ended, all the students were told to return to their homerooms. Okay, I thought, now that we weren’t on the street, and in small, manageable groups with one or two adults in each group, the truth would be told. Concerns by the students could be aired in a comfortable setting for all involved, and understanding could be assured. The kids filed into the classroom, chilly from the window having been open for so long without a class of warm bodies inhabiting it. They “Okay, class,” Ms. Gray said, “here’s what happened: there was an electrical issue in the basement that could have been dangerous, so they had to clear the building. Thank you for your cooperation and patience while we were outside for so long.” The students all understood, and the one or two students who said they heard it was a bomb threat were quickly quieted and thus put into the minds of all students as a wild rumor. The “truth” was out; no further questions need be asked. Ms. Gray even joked to me about the “electrical issue” between classes. We shared a laugh about how ridiculous it sounded, knowing the reality of the situation. But the class moved on to second period for their days to continue as normal, as though nothing happened, and, for all intents and purposes, to them nothing had happened.

I participated in my first successful government cover-up today. I say my first because I’m sure there will be more, especially if I continue to work in this school. Sure, it was a small scale cover-up. In all actuality this day will probably not be remembered by any of the students in a week, or even tomorrow. That’s how I know it was successful. But if we allow these little deceptions and white lies to permeate the actions of our authorities, at what point, what size of institution do we decide that we want full transparency? Do we really want the whole truth from our government? Is ignorance bliss, at least in situations of imminent danger? I pray not.

Hair style is the final tip-off whether or not a woman really knows herself. ~Hubert de Givenchy, Vogue, July 1985

LINK FOUND BETWEEN CURRENT HAIRSTYLE TREND AND CANCER

Thinking of styling your hair into a fashionable front poof? Think again. New research suggests women wearing this new “do” are at a greater risk for cancer.

A recent University of Chicago study looked at 142 women aged 18-34 over nine years. Those who wore their hair in a front poof three or more days a week were twice as likely to develop cancer as those who only wore the style once a week or less. Women who did not style their hair into the poof were six times less likely to develop cancer.

The scientists who performed the study are unsure of exactly why these women are at such high risk, but preliminary study of the data suggests that they suffer from low self-esteem, chronic disastrous hook-ups, and what psychologists call “daddy issues.” All of these are causes of high stress, which is a known cause of cancer. An overwhelming percentage of the women who wore poofs three or more times a week also had herpes, giving validation to the common colloquialism “skank poof.”

More research is necessary to determine if the risk of cancer is only heightened by the skank poof, or if other hairstyles could be to blame. One of the leaders of the poof study said the group is already studying mullets and faux-hawks. They expect results of these studies to be released within the next five years. Scientists and hairstylists hope to use this information in cancer and douche bag prevention.

"I do not believe in God because I do not believe in Mother Goose." -Clarence Darrow

This post is tough for me to write. What follows is a confession of sorts - or, more accurately, a coming out. It is in regard to my faith, which, for many, is a very personal and private aspect in their lives. My faith is no different in that aspect, which is why I’ve decided to discourse on said topic on the World Wide Web.

Recently I have come to a conclusion about my personal faith. Growing up in the Methodist church, surrounded by family, God and religion have always been a very important part of my life. However, I have always been told it is important to question my faith, to explore why I believe what I believe. This combination of a strong faithful childhood and an ever-inquisitive mind has precipitated my latest epiphany. This revelation (pardon the pun) is my firm belief that I am not sure whether there is or is not a higher power.

Let me repeat that: I am positive in my irresoluteness of ideology. I have no idea if there is a god, or, if there is, whether said deity is omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, or omni-anything. There is nothing (except material evidence or an act of God) that could dissuade me from solid belief in the possibility of something beyond our current reality.

I realize such strong views may alienate some of my readers. I understand. It can be hard to comprehend my steadfast creed of indecision. I adhere firmly to the doctrine of the noncommittal, and for that I will never apologize. In fact, I am prepared to wage a holy war of indifference, an apathetic jihad, if you will. This is not a fight that I particularly care about, but it could very well be the key to the world’s salvation (or maybe it’s not).

Though to this point in my life I have been rather unsure of my specific religious beliefs, I can assure the world with no degree of uncertainty that I will never know for sure about the existence (or lack thereof) of any higher power and therefore will most likely never have any specific religious belief. I am absolutely positive my state of agnosis will remain steadfast until I die and rot in the ground (or meet my Maker, who really knows?).

I hope this post has helped clear up my thoughts and feelings on my faith. Over the years I have undergone many phases in my life ranging from devout Christian to positive Deist to wannabe Jew. Now that I have finally solidified my belief in lack of any positive belief, my desire is that I will be excluded from and invited to the appropriate groups, clubs, societies and associations. I only wish for the proper forms of discrimination against myself.

“You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.” -George Carlin

I'd like to take the time now to thank my few commentators thus far, but also to request that those who comment give their names, so as to encourage an open dialogue. I love to know who reads my blog and hear their feedback. I also like when that feedback is intelligent. So, in honour of the third comment on my last post, I'd like to devote this entire post to the great state of Texas!

Texas, a Tribute:

Little known facts about Texas:

Despite having only become a state in 1845, there are Texan Revolutionary War heroes interned in Austin. I guess Sam Houston, in addition to his mutton chop-growing prowess, also discovered time-travel and transported brave Texan soldiers back to 1770's New England to fight the Red Coats!

The Texas educational system is one of the best in the country and the world. Their teaching of the English language includes such adjectival skills as the use of "stupid," "fucking," and, for special emphasis, "stupid fucking" in modifying such nouns as "stuff" and "shit." The only rivals to Texans' knowledge of the English language are non-English speakers!

Texas has the largest percentage of closeted homosexuals aged 14-24, with about 35% of all the males in that age group being gay, but are not yet out. Approximately 90% of the young men who comprise this group play football for their schools, and 83% of individuals in that group are responsible for 97% of hate crimes against gays annually. Statistically speaking, Texas is the most latent homosexually-enraged state in the US!

Though many former Confederate states claim the main impetus for the Civil War (or the War Between the States) was the encroachment on states' rights by the North, Texas just wanted slavery to continue because they hate black people!

Everything is bigger in Texas because someone is overcompensating... (Hint: it's Texas!)

Texans are well-versed in the art of humour, especially satire. For example, whoever left the third comment on the last post knew this blog is satirical. That's why (s)he left such a hilariously snarky message for me, filled with wit and insight. Oh, how I wish I could have the comedic ability of this Texan in particular!

And now we arrive at the real point of this post. If you hadn't figured it out, Anonymous Commentator Number Three, from Texas (I know this because I am omniscient, and I have an account at StatCounter.com), this post is addressed mostly to you. The next time you want to fuck with me, bring something more than a run-on sentence filled with typos and profanity to the table; I enjoy a challenge when I need to insult people. As for my blog being "nothing more than midwestern shit", try calling my work "shit" when you can represent Texas as anything other than a state overpopulated by arrogant assholes with inferiority complexes.

I would like to close by issuing an apology to all the residents of Texas who do not fit the above stereotype and to send my most sincere sympathies that you are associated with said idiots.

Lighter topics to come!